Wednesday, July 23, 2014

My brother has passed away...

I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated. One of the worst days of my life today. I honestly didn't think this year could get any worse. I was wrong...very, very wrong. My little brother (age 38) has passed away very suddenly and unexpected. A very tragic and sad end to my brother's life. My sister phoned to tell me the news. I had to go tell my mom this news in person.

I feel sick to my stomach right now and dizzy. I feel like I might pass out. I can't even imagine what this world is like without my sibling. He's gone???????  He is really gone???  I just can't even seem to wrap my head around this. I've had a lot of loss through the years but this is one of the most heartbreaking. I just don't even know how to deal with this??!!!  How does one deal with losing a sibling so young and suddenly??????   So many memories with my brother. I just wish I had spent more time with him and kept in touch more.

Life is short. Life really fucking sucks too sometimes. I honestly don't even know how to deal with this loss....

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Summer adventures

Last weekend we did something very fun with our son. We went on a camping trip. It felt so nice to get away from it all for a while. The campground is really nice. Had a restaurant and pool/steam room and hot tub. My best friend also was there so we got to visit with her and her family. We went for a hike up to Bridal Falls which was really beautiful.  We got to sit around the campfire making smores.  It was a lot of fun. We didn't get much sleep though. And then I got sick the next day when we were at Harrison Hot Springs. I was glad that we went camping though. We had a lot of fun up until that point I got sick.

I am doing ok. The depression has been a bit better lately. I am taking Gabapentin which seems to be helping with anxiety and depression. I was given this med in the detox and it seems effective. I am still taking sleeping pills but weaning down on those. I really want to be able to sleep naturally again. That is a big goal for me. I have done yoga a few times and walk daily. I also journal every day too. Writing in my journal helps me a lot. I am able to share my most private thoughts in it. Anakin is the only one who is able to read them. Anakin and I also like to meditate at night before bed to relax us both.

We have had some really great sex lately this summer. Also some great big orgasms. Some spanks on the ass but not really any heavy play yet. I do miss kink a lot but am hopeful that will come back in time.  I do love all the cuddles that I do with Anakin though. We are always very close and have a lot of intimacy in our relationship. 

I got my hair cut short yesterday. I have been trying to work on myself more. I am trying to eat a better diet and feel good about myself. My self esteem really went downhill over the last few months. I have tried to work on it by taking better care of myself. I am trying to take it one day at a time. Not be so focused on the past or even the future. Just take it day by day. I am very grateful for Anakin and my friends and support system. I hope there will be more summer adventures coming up. I have a few goals that I'd like to reach. I am slowly trying to crawl out of the deep dark black hole that I was in for several months. It's been a slow and long process but I do see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Struggling with addiction

Today is my 13th day clean and sober. I am very early in my recovery and taking it very slowly. I have been feeling fragile lately. The depression seems a tiny bit better but still having my moments that it's hard. The anxiety seems a bit worse lately. It's hard when I don't take any meds for it. I used to take adivan but trying to stay off that. The anxiety gets so bad that it's hard to leave my house sometimes. Struggling with addictions is hard. You have to take it slow and one day a time.

Something I read in the AA book was that you need to let go of the past. Not be anxious about the future. But to live for today in the moment. I have been trying to do that lately. I needed to let go of the past. I've struggled too much about that. I've made some really big mistakes. I have been anxious about the future too. I decided to try to just live for today. To take it slower. I need to be gentle with myself. It's not easy at all.

I am still taking sleeping pills to help me sleep. I'd like to let go of this habit. This is one addiction that is hard for me to kick. They gave me the sleeping pills at the hospital and detox. I hate having sleep anxiety. I tend to really panic if I don't get to sleep at night. I am going to need to learn to deal with some bad sleepless nights to get my natural sleep back. This is a really big challenge for me.

I want to try to get to an AA meeting. I wish that I drove or had someone to go with me to it. I am nervous to go alone. I wish I a bigger support system while dealing with my addictions. I would really like to get a sponsor too and not sure how to do that.

I am trying to focus on my health a lot more. I have been walking daily. I've done yoga a few times. I am trying to eat better. I have to take it day by day. Otherwise it all becomes a bit overwhelming for me. Struggling with addictions is a lifelong process. It's hard and challenging for most people who have addictions. I've got to learn to let go. Let go of the past. Let go of my fears. Let go of all the guilt and shame I felt with having my addictions. It's not easy...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Vancouver Detox

I have not been online very much lately. It's been a very hard month for me. I was in the hospital for 9 days. Then recently I was in a detox place in Vancouver for 5 1/2 days. I decided to go to Vancouver Detox after having a problem with prescription drugs (hospital put me back on adivan after struggling with an addiction to this earlier this year) as well as alcohol. It was a very hard decision. I was very scared to walk through the doors of Vancouver Detox. It was a life changing experience for me though.

I met some people who were struggling with similar issues as I am. I went to my first AA meeting. I joined Vancouver Daytox and went to several classes including Smart Recovery, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and free acupuncture. One day I spent 5 hours in Daytox classes while going through withdrawal from adivan and alcohol. It was hard but I learned a lot. It gave me a lot to think about. I have struggled with alcohol since I was 16. I have always turned to alcohol to help me during difficult times or help me lose my inhibitions. A lot of my wild sex adventures through the years were fueled by alcohol. It was hard to admit that I have had a problem with it.

I was glad to have the time to do some soul searching. They don't allow electronics and no visitors for 48 hours. I read the AA book (alcoholics anonymous) as well as a good Drew Barrymore book about her recovery from addiction. The staff was really good there. I had a lot of support and encouragement. I have to admit that I was scared to leave Detox. I considered going to a recovery house afterwords but was too hard to leave my family/Anakin.

I am 8 days clean and sober today. I struggle with my addictions every single day. I have to learn to deal with my panic/anxiety naturally and that has been hard. I have had to learn to take it day by day. The past is the past. The future is unknown. But at least for today I will stay clean and sober and try to get through my day.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Our strong force

I have had a pretty good weekend so far. Yesterday was a good day. I really hold onto that feeling when I have a good day. It seems like this year there were more bad days than good. We went out with my mom for the afternoon. We went to Crescent beach. There is something very calming about the beach. I love the ocean air. Eating fish n chips and just enjoying the atmosphere of the beach. We had a date night. Anakin took me out to the movies. We saw Edge of Tomorrow on IMAX 3D. Very good movie!!

We had some sex and orgasms this weekend too. We did lots and lots of cuddling. It's one of the best parts of my day is when we can cuddle up together. I am still feeling a bit fragile after leaving the hospital. Some days are harder than others. I'm just glad to have Anakin there. Our force is very strong. We have been through so much and we stay together and get stronger. I am so glad to have Him in my life.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's day to Anakin and all the other Dads out there today. Today is always a bit sad for me. Anakin and I both lost our Dads and we both think of them today. It's hard to celebrate Father's day when you don't have a Dad.  :(

I have been away from blogging and a lot of social media for the last two weeks. It's been a *really* rough time. It's also been life changing for me. I went into the hospital about 2 weeks ago for some physical pain that I was feeling. The Doctor got me to see a psychiatric nurse there. I had a pretty big breakdown. I agreed to check myself into the ward there. That was probably one of the hardest and biggest decisions I have ever made in my life. I was terrified. I had no idea what was going to happen. I was in the ER for two days until transferred over to the mental ward and got a bed. I don't think I left the room for hours because of freaking out so badly.

I got lots of group therapy in the ward. I got put on some meds. I was also diagnosed. I have bipolar 1. They have told me that having bipolar can be hereditary. I have always known something was a bit "off" but thought it was mostly just depression and stress from all that I have been through. I was also diagnosed with major depression. I made friends with a few people in the ward. Some people had some pretty sad stories about their lives. I did a lot of reading and had quiet time in the chapel where I prayed and tried to find some strength. I had a few visitors and appreciated those a lot. It can feel lonely and isolated when you are on the ward.

I got released from the ward on Thursday but coming home was very overwhelming for me. All the meds I'm on are also making things difficult to cope. I am trying to wean myself off some meds and also taking new ones for my bipolar. Yesterday was a really bad day. I felt suicidal and really bad. My mom and Anakin got me to check myself into the hospital. I was sent home without too much help and more meds. :(   It's very frustrating to need the help but not get it. I am also trying to process and struggle with my diagnosis. I've been told that this will be something I will always have to learn to deal with and manage. I just hope that I will get better and this darkness (severe depression) will eventually get better one day.

I wasn't sure about blogging about my diagnosis or experience but maybe someone reading this can understand or know what I am going through. It really helps to know that I am not alone with what I am dealing with. 

Thank you to all those who supported me and helped me through the last two weeks while I was going through hell. It really meant a lot to me.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Monday, May 26, 2014

Play time on the darkside

We had a date night on Friday night. We finally had the chance to play. It's been so long since I got spanked. We got home and had dinner and watched some TV and then Anakin wanted to spank me. I went over His knee and got a hand spanking as a warm up. My bum is not used to being spanked. I wiggled around and He said "stay still" a lot to me. lol. :P

We went up to the bedroom and He took His belt off. I got a hard belt strapping. My ass was very red and welted. The sex we had afterwords was amazing! Then He made me cum with the Hitachi. It didn't take me very long to have a big orgasm. Then He spanked me more. It was a nice night. I miss playing with Him.

Saturday was a nice day but started to get abdominal pain late in the day. It got worse yesterday. I spent most of the day in bed and almost went to the hospital. Anakin took good care of me. I was very depressed. I am tired of having health problems. I am feeling a little bit better today although still not 100%. Not sure if I will ever feel 100% as there is always something going on with my health. I did sleep naturally last night for 3 hours. My sleep is very slowly coming back. It's been almost 2 months off sleeping pills. I have to give up the alcohol/aids and get back to natural sleep again. That has been a big challenge for me.

It's Monday. Blah. Already looking forward to the weekend.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Friday, May 23, 2014

TGIF! Date night

TGIF. It's Friday and date night tonight. I haven't had a date night in a long time. Looking forward to spending some time with Anakin. Hoping we can maybe even play a little bit. Been way too long since we did that. I've missed it a lot. I need a spanking! :P

Hope you all have a good weekend!

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Life changes

There have been a lot of life changes happening this past year. Over the weekend there was a pretty big life change that affected our whole family. My teen daughter moved out of our house. She has moved in with her Dad. This last year has been difficult with dealing with her. She graduated last year and has no direction in her life. She has lived with us rent free and seems to have little ambition for finding a job or figuring out what she wants to do with her life. The fighting with her has gotten quite bad at times. It was a hard decision to make. I miss her a lot but am hoping that this will encourage her to make some changes in her life.

It is really hard to adjust to change. I just want things to be the way they used to be a long time ago but that's not realistic. My kids are growing up. I am getting older. Life moves on. I know that a lot of my depression lately has been because of all the changes in my life. The Hysterectomy I had was one of the biggest changes in my life. I am trying to come to terms with the new chapter in my life with menopause and a different body. I feel like it's changed me mentally as well as physically. Every day is a struggle and I just try to hold on during the storm. It's not easy.

My force has not felt very strong lately...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Friday, May 16, 2014

TGIF! Victoria day long weekend!

TGIF! It's the Victoria day long weekend starting. I've had some really bad days lately. Today has been a pretty good day so far! It's a good feeling. I am not feeling too bad today. Depression seems a bit least for today. Anakin stayed home from work. We got a lot done today and had a very productive day. We went out for sushi for dinner tonight. It was AWESOME!! We took our daughter with us. It was my mother's day celebration with her as she was not here on Sunday. It was the best sushi I have ever had in my life!! VERY yummy!!

We came home to some video games. We have the XBox One and have been playing Fortza5. I am getting really good at it. Anakin is horny so we plan to have sex/orgasms tonight. I am even feeling horny too which is a really great feeling. I am going to ask for permission to use the Hitachi! :P It's been a good start to the long weekend.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala