 I've had some pretty big changes in my life in the last 48 hours. There has been some big talks with Master and also my best friend, Shasta. Shasta and I talked for 3 hours yesterday! I'm surprised our phones didn't die. I know that I can always count on Master and Shasta. They are the two people in my life that I am the closest to. They both know me very well and accept me for the way that I am. I appreciate that both of them love me and support me unconditionally. I am grateful that I can turn to them and get great advice from them both. I hope they both know how much they mean to me.
Shasta said some things to me on the phone which made me do some thinking. I knew she was right about the things that I talked to her about. She knows me very well after all these years of friendship. I talked to Master when he got home from work. I was feeling very stressed out and knew that I had to make some changes. I talked to him first about Jake and his e-mails. I got several e-mails from Jake yesterday which totally stressed me out. Jake just doesn't seem to want to listen. I had agreed to go to LB's play party on Friday night with him for a second date. I wanted to go slowly though and told him that I didn't want there to be any expectations. He went over my boundaries and limits the first time we played. Some of the play was exciting but some was very scary! I really didn't know if I could trust him again. Several people expressed worry about playing with him again.
The "no expectations" turned into him using a single tail on me and him putting me into subspace and also "scream girl". He seemed to have lots of expectations of what would be happening on Friday night. I told him I wanted to keep it simple. No expectations means NO EXPECTATIONS!! Why do some Doms not get that? It is very simple. Him and I go for dinner together and then drive to the party together. We go to the party with no expectations to play. This is a huge compliant that I have. I have had several Doms who think that me agreeing to go to an event together means that you automatically have to play with them. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to play. Sometimes I am wanting to just socialize. As Shasta says "expectations lead to disappointment". Shiro clearly looked disappointed at Rascal's when I wouldn't play with him. I felt a lot of pressure. I also felt major pressure from Jake.
Master read the e-mails from Jake and decided that I wouldn't be going to the party with him. He didn't seem to want to listen and wouldn't play by the rules. I won't be playing with Jake again. That chapter is closed and Master has forbidden me from ever playing with Jake again. Jake and I weren't really in a relationship but it still feels like a bit of a break-up. I'm disappointed that things didn't work out. I wish Jake would have listened better.
I also talked to Master about Shiro. I havn't been very happy in my relationship with him for a few weeks. Shiro and I have been fighting and I have felt great disance between us lately. I knew in my heart that it wasn't working out. I had tried to make it work because I love Shiro. There are real feelings there. I think he's a sweet and nice man. I enjoy the friendship part with him. It just isn't working out with him being my other Dom. I am juggling two Doms and it's wearing me out. My focus and mind has been on Shiro a lot the last few weeks. It's drained me and I knew it was coming to an end.
I considered breaking up on Saturday but I didn't want to ruin our night at Rascal's. I had meant to sit down and do it over dinner so I could talk to him. I just couldn't do it. I knew yesterday that I needed to tell him how I was feeling. He was very civil about the breakup and also realized that it hasn't worked out very well between us. He also told me he'd like to be friends. I really hope we are able to do that. I don't want our breakup to turn into what has happened between Daemon and I. I really care about Shiro and hope we can be friends. I will always care about Shiro. I know we'll be seeing each other at different events. I'm feeling very sad about it. Breaking up is hard to do.
I am planning to spend my weekend with Master and getting my focus back on him and our family. There is also a woman (girl li) who I am very interested in. I am not giving up on the poly. I don't think I am looking to have another Dom though other than Master Anakin. Juggling two Doms has been way too difficult and I'd like Master to be my one and only Dom right now. Of course I may play casually and have someone Dom me for casual play but it wouldn't be in a relationship. It's way too much work.
There are some really big changes happening in my life right now. Change can be scary. I feel a lot more vulnerable right now and fragile. I want to have my Daddy take care of me and take me under his wing. I look forward to getting our force back on track and finding the magic again with Darth Vader.
May the force be with you all!!
~padme amidala
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6 comments:
My padme,
I will, as always, be present to take care of your needs; moving forward can sometimes be painful but it is necessary for growth; and growth is ultimately good.
~Anakin
You know, reading this reminds me of a coversation I had with my sis. Like you, she gets involved right away and it's hard to protect her heart when it falls so fast.
She had some councelling and done some soul-searching and one of the lessons she learned was a relationship with someone is like building a pyramid. Better to set a foundation (which is establishing a trust and a form of friendship) and work your way up (to sex and play). It's harder working your way down from the top to the bottom. I think that's where the expectations come in.
When we get attracted to someone and attached, we tend to try to go for instant gratification by getting physically involved.
When my sis gave me this analogy of the pyramid, it makes sense and perhpas it will make sense to you to for any future love/play interests.
I hope this helps :) Good luck!
~Esined
I find the above a very interesting concept. I think I shall blog about it later.
Anyhow, *hugs* you already know I'm here to talk to Padme *hugs hugs hugs*. Friends is good.
I agree with Esined's appraisal of your "jumping into things to fast" personality trait. I was like that for SO many years. The last decade has seen a change in me, however. Between the constant physical pain[1] and the meds[2] it's like my insides have shut down. I can't remember the last time I honestly felt anything. It's hard to go through the meat grinder like you have been. But believe me, it's far better than feeling nothing.
[1] I've been disabled since the mid 90's and unable to work since late '04. And it's only getting worse.
[2] Multiple doses of pain killers, muscle relaxants & anti-depressants. It's a wonder I can function at all.
I am happy to be in your life - if only to give you something to smile about. As Esined pointed out the friendship part to me is so important.
Also it is wise to know that not every pairing makes a relationship - just the ones that really matter. Which to us emotional types are many. :)
I really appreciate everyone's comments and it gave me a lot to think about. I have always jumped into things very quickly and have had a hard time changing that aspect of myself. I'm trying to go more slowly and enjoy the journey and not rush things so much. *smiles*
I really appreciate your comments!
Hugs,
padme
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