What's your safeword?

I have been debating writing a blog post today. My heart feels sad and I'm dealing with my period and hormones going crazy. I'm also still processing and dealing with my emotions over my play with Jake last Friday. I wrote Jake an e-mail yesterday about some of my concerns about our play and he hasn't written me back yet. I'm beginning to wonder if I will hear from him again. It probably doesn't matter if I don't. I really don't think it is going to work out between Jake and I. We are both looking for different things. He seems to want a casual play partner who he can play with when he is coming up from Seattle. I think he wants someone who is able to play on a heavy level with him casually. I do not like to play on the darkside with anyone who I am not in a relationship with. I am able to gain trust and be able to really let myself go when I am in a relationship with that person. I really have no interest in being someone's casual play thing. I also like to feel safe when I play with someone and I did not feel safe on Friday night. I do feel bad though that I didn't safeword. I wanted to several times. I could feel my safeword at the tip of my tongue. It was in my thoughts. I have a few different safewords including Jedi and Peace. I have had those safewords with a few people that I have played with. Of course the word safeword (which is what I would have said on Friday night if I had safeworded) usually works too when you need to. I have only used my safeword twice and I have been playing since June 1997. I feel like a failure when I have to use my safeword. I don't know why. I just feel like it's not being submissive enough if I use it. I am too submissive for my own good sometimes. I should have safeworded with my play with Jake on Friday night. A lot of it made me feel very uncomfortable and scared but I didn't say anything. I have a hard time safewording when I am in subspace also. I get mentally fucked up and I was extremely gone on Friday night. My head was spinning and my endorphins were racing. I also felt Jake's extreme dominance and didn't feel like I could safeword. We didn't even talk about a safeword!! That should have been a part of the negotiations on the car ride that night. It wasn't even brought up! What's your safeword? I don't think that I realized how important it is to have one until recently. I feel so stupid now for not communicating and for not using the safeword. I will admit also that I am scared to play with Jake again. He scared me too much. I enjoy playing on the darkside but I like to know the people I'm playing with on that level a lot better than on the first date. I expect a coffee or a very erotic soft scene for the first time playing with someone. Jake was way too intense for me. I can play heavy but that was way too much for our first time. We hardly knew each other and we were doing knife play and take down scenes. I feel like I have learned a lot from the experience though and I'm glad for that. I'm also upset about him calling me a pig too that night. I was emotionally abused as a child and I don't handle name calling like that very well. It reminded me of my Dad and brought back bad memories for me. I felt like that went way too far. I really don't think we'll be playing again together. I think we are both looking for different things in our lives and also with play. I really want to move forward from this as this has been the focus for me the last few days. I am thinking about Shiro today. His Dad passed away recently and I have been worried about him and thinking of him. We have had a few really good talks lately. I really appreciate his friendship and being there for me. I hope he knows that I am there too for him if he needs me. I hope he is doing ok today. Today is a painful anniversary for me. I lost my Grandma 11 years ago today. I have been thinking about her and missing her. It seems like it was just yesterday.... Sarah McLachlan - Full of Grace The winter here's cold, and bitter It's chilled us to the bone We haven't seen the sun for weeks To long too far from home I feel just like I'm sinking And I claw for solid ground I'm pulled down by the undertow I never thought I could feel so low Oh darkness I feel like letting go If all of the strength and all of the courage Come and lift me from this place I know I could love you much better than this Full of grace Full of grace My love So it's better this way, I said Having seen this place before Where everything we said and did Hurts us all the more Its just that we stayed, too long In the same old sickly skin I'm pulled down by the undertow I never thought I could feel so low Oh darkness I feel like letting go If all of the strength And all of the courage Come and lift me from this place I know I could love you much better than this Full of grace Full of grace My love ....... May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala