The calm before the storm

I wanted to write a blog post today because I wasn't sure when I would have the next opportunity for writing. Today is the calm before the storm. I've tried to get housework done and also work on cleaning up my basement which currently has all my Dad's boxes from his place. There are a lot of memories in those boxes. Pictures, trophies, old Father's day cards, lots and lots of memorabilia. It's been kind of interesting to go through them all and learn more about my Dad. I feel like I've learned a lot about him since he passed away two weeks ago. There are moments which are very difficult to deal with when I am sorting through his stuff. He kept it all...stuff from my childhood and pictures and stuff. It has brought back some flashbacks to old times in the past..and those times were both good and bad. My Dad was a very complicated man. He rarely showed emotions and he had a heck of a temper. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. My Dad and I went through many times that we didn't speak to each other. I am very glad though that I had made peace with him in the last few months before his death. We were on good terms and I felt like he was starting to reach out to me and my last memory with him was wonderful. My sister was in town and we went out for dinner with my Dad and Grandma. A storm is on the horizon. Next week is going to be hell but I know that I need to go through it. I know that in the long term that it is necessary. I need to say goodbye to my Dad. Next Thursday is the viewing of his body. I have made the choice to go although several people have tried to talk me out of it. It's my choice though and I need to say goodbye to him. The next day is the burial and there will be a special service for that. We are hosting a BBQ at our home that night for everyone who is going to the burial. Then on Saturday June 13th is the memorial service and reception. There are a lot of people who are expected to attend that. It's been a lot of work but I am know that my Dad would be proud of me and my sister to give him a proper and respectful goodbye. I can't believe it's been two weeks tomorrow since he passed away. It feels like everything has changed. I am a very different person than I was two weeks ago. I feel like this experience of losing a parent has made me look at my life and also reflect on my own death. No one likes to think about it but I think losing a parent makes you realize your own mortality. I want to write a will and I've been starting to think of my own funeral arrangements. I am very glad that my Dad arranged a lot so that we didn't have to wonder what he wanted. He was very clear on his wishes. I will admit that I have slipped into a very dark place the last two weeks. I have been severely depressed and it shows. I noticed very dark circles under my eyes this morning. I've lost 7 pounds in two weeks due to not eating very much. I have had severe insomnia. I have panic attacks so bad that it feels like I'm having a heart attack. I've also had my heart breaking into a million pieces. I've had emotional meltdowns that have brought on some very dark thoughts. I feel sad constantly. My sex drive had disappeared. My submission has also disappeared. Master has been my Daddy the last two weeks and tried his best to take care of me. I fully admit that I've pushed him away. He has never lost a parent and sometimes I have wondered if he knows what I am going through. I want to grieve in private and be alone. Obviously this blog is suffering too. I have lost my desire to write. I've lost my desire for many things that I used to enjoy. It's like a piece of me has died with my Dad. And I honestly wonder if I will ever be happy again. I know that I have to give it time but I also know that it is hard to move on when my Dad hasn't been buried and I havn't said goodbye to him. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call him up. I've had a very hard accepting his death. Perhaps it's because of how sudden it happened and being unexpected. Father's day is right around the corner. It's strange to not buy him a card and I had planned to ask him to get together with him. What do I do for Father's day? Thinking about it makes my heart hurt. I have guests staying with us next week and a lot of plans so I won't be online very much. I hope that when I come back to blogging that I will be in a better place than I am right now. I really appreciate all the supportive comments and messages from everyone. Not everyone has been supportive unfortunately. I've had some relatives make some very hurtful comments and lots and lots of family drama. I feel a dark storm coming my way and I hope that I can brace for it and survive it. My force is not very strong right now.... May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala