Footprints in the sand

It has been an extremely difficult time for me the last few weeks. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. I decided to view my Dad's body although many people told me I shouldn't. I can understand why in some ways people felt that way although I felt like I had to do it and say goodbye to have some closure. I was shocked at what he looked like. He was very peaceful but it almost didn't look like my Dad. He was dressed in the suit that I had personally picked out for him. I could only stay in the room for about ten minutes. I meant to take more time but I couldn't. I felt a full panic attack when I said goodbye to him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life...saying goodbye to my Dad laying there in a coffin. My brother lasted about 30 seconds and left immediately as soon as he saw him. I had to comfort my brother who was crying his eyes out in the funeral parking lot. I've never seen my brother so upset before. There is something so surreal about seeing your parent laying there in a coffin and saying goodbye to them and knowing that you will never see them again. As I write this, there are tears in my eyes. Losing my Dad has made me realize how fragile life is. I barely slept last night. I tossed and turned and cried myself to sleep. I kept going over flashbacks of the viewing and of my Dad's life. Today is the burial. Tomorrow is the memorial service. There is so much sadness in my heart. It is unlike any other sadness I have experienced...any other loss. Losing a parent has changed me in many ways. I called up my Mom (who I have a complicated relationship with) and told her I loved her last night and won't take her for granted anymore. I have felt very alone in my grief. Although my siblings are there, I've had to take care of my brother and also trying to deal with my kid's and their loss with their grandpa. My son did a drawing of his grandpa which went into the coffin. My daughter wrote him a song and also a poem and plans to speak at the funeral. I will be saying the "Footprints in the sand" poem at the memorial service in front of hundreds of people. There has been a lot of work put into it all to make it memorable and special and to remember my Dad. The place where he will be laid to rest today is beautiful. There is a view and it is very peaceful there. Footprints in the Sand by Mary Stevenson, 1936 One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?” The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.” RIP Dad...I love you and miss you so much...May the force be with you. ~padme amidala