 Saturday May 23rd is a day that I will never forget. It was a perfect day. Sunny skies and not a cloud in the sky. A perfect spring day. We packed up the car and headed out for a family day with the kids. We stopped in North Vancouver at Horseshoe Bay for a while. I saw the Trolls there which I had ice-cream with my Dad at. He loved it there. I thought about him. I had no idea that my Dad was on the operating table passing away around that time. My life changed in an instant...
I got the call from my sister while in Squamish on the way to Whistler. We had to turn around the car and we headed to my Grandma's house and I was the one who had to tell her the news. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done...telling my Grandma and seeing the look on her face. The rest of that day is a blur. I went into deep shock. I couldn't stop shaking and I came home to many phone calls and messages. My sister came over with her husband and I will never forget the moment I went outside and that big hug with so much emotion with her. I knew she was hurting so much.
He was 67 years old. This was completely unexpected. He started having chest pains on Friday but ignored them and went home to bed. The next day he was gone. He was loved by many. He had so many friends and family that loved him and respected him. I wish I could tell you more about my Dad but I have to be careful due to privacy. I will tell you that he was a very well respected man and his legacy lives on.
There is hundreds of people expected to come to the funeral. The response to his death has been incredible. The phone hasn't stopping ringing. I've received flowers and tons of messages and lots of support. It has been stressful too. Lots and lots of family drama. My Dad was due to get a piece of a very large inheritance (from an Aunt that passed away a few weeks earlier. We have lost 3 relatives in the last month) before he passed away. Money does strange things to some people. Some people are all about the money. I am disgusted by some people's behavior this last week. There has been some very hurtful and insensitive things that have been said. That has not helped with the process of grieving and trying to plan for a funeral.
My Dad picked out a beautiful place to be buried. He planned out a lot of the details. Next Thursday is the viewing of his body. I will be saying goodbye to my Dad. Then on Friday is the burial. Saturday is his memorial and service. How do I say goodbye to my Dad? I'm starting to choke up with tears as I write this. There are moments which are pure hell for me. I realize that I've lost a parent and that a peice of me has died. I feel like this experience has deeply changed me.
I am not sure how much I will be blogging for the next few weeks. I am grieving and trying to deal with a lot right now. I have all the boxes of my Dad's stuff in my basement. I'm also trying to deal with guests arriving next week (some of them from as far as Ontario and Nova Scotia) and there is still a lot that has to get done.
I appreciate all the e-mails and e-cards and support during this difficult time. It has helped me a lot and I really appreciate it. I hope that everyone will understand if the blog suffers a bit because of this. There isn't very much sexy stuff going on and I am not sure if the people reading this want to hear about all the sadness and hurt going on right now with this. I need to somehow find a way to say goodbye...I really don't know how to move on from this.
I have reconnected with an old friend of mine recently. She reached out to me during this difficult time because she lost her Dad a few years ago. We have bonded and started to become friends again. That has been the one positive thing through this. I have talked to old friends and family members and there is a lot of reconnecting going on, especially with me and my siblings.
There is a video and song which I want to share with everyone. It reminded my sister and I of my Dad....this song is going to be played at the memorial service. It will forever remind me of my Dad. I miss him so much. I'd give anything to be able to phone him up. May the force be with you, Dad....I love you and miss you.....
Hurt by Johny Cash
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
~padme amidala
|
Anakin
padme
>
5 comments:
My padme,
That song Hurt is fitting, and haunting, and beautiful. This was a beautiful and real blog post; truest emotions. Life at it's core is love and loss. Of course this will change you, forever, and Me in my own way as well. Nothing is constant except change. The hurt will always be there, but remember, so will the many good memories. I seem him in you, you know; his strength, his character, his words when you speak, his manners. He's in you, and so he lives on, one generation to the next. I wish I could take all the hurt away, but I am all too human. I love you, that is all I know, and will be here for you in this time of transition and need.
~Anakin
I know how you are feeling, more or less. My father passed away in the early morning of Feb 2nd, 2000. They said he had Parkinson's but we all think there was something else, too. My ex-wife's father had Parkinson's and lived 15 or 20 years before passing while Dad lived only about 2 years. So while we knew he was ill his passing was still a surprise.
Dad was not only my father but my hero. He was a great man who touched the lives of so many people. I've been a little lost without him.
I can tell you that while the loss never really goes away, over time, the pain has been lessened by the happiness of my memories and the stories I tell my son about him. My son was just over 3 years old at the time but he still has some memories of his Papap.
It is obvious that Anakin loves you deeply. Hold onto him and I know you'll get through this. You have a family that is there for you so, even though the loss can never be completely refilled, you aren't alone in the universe.
No matter how much it feels like it.
sorry to hear your news Padme, am thinking of you and saving up special cuddles! TG Xx
Padme, your blogs don't have to be just about the sexy stuff, the're about you. Those of us who bother to follow you properly are feeling for you and trying to share your grief a little.
Have you discovered this poem which I first read at the funeral of an aunt of mine. It is quite popular, but I find the sentiment a comforting perspective:
What is Dying?
A ship sails and I stand watching it till it fades on the horizon.
Someone at my side says, "She is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large as when I saw her.
The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her.
And just at that moment, when someone at your side says, "She is gone"
There are others who are watching her coming.
And other voices take up the glad shout.
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Hi Sweet Padme, Your writing is so beautiful as you allow your emotions to be expressed. It is such a privilege to be able to read such an open expression of what it is to grieve. Grieving is so personal, so intimate, and yet it is something we all do -- but do in our own way. Your honesty will help many understand that they are not alone when they happen on your site grieving a loss themselves. Your generosity is to be admired and treasured. I am sorry it is borne of such true personal pain and tradegy.
Post a Comment