 I had thought about writing this blog post tomorrow when I'm a bit more sober but I decided to go ahead and write. I've been feeling very emotional tonight and had a few emotional breakdowns and have gotten into the merlot. My Dad passed away about six months ago. I have been waiting for the estate to get settled. It was hard because he did a homemade will and my sister wound up doing a lot of the work to get it done. I had thought that it would be another week for the settlement until my sister phoned and left me an urgent message tonight to phone her. The estate is settled. The money was deposited and the chapter is closed. I had a very emotional conversation with her on the phone about it all.
It was a bittersweet moment for me. Usually someone is happy when they get a bunch of money come into their bank account. All I could do was cry though. I felt conflicted. I got a lot of money but the price was very high for it. I had to lose my Dad in order for me to get it. I had another dream of my Dad last night and it caused me some insomnia. I've been dreaming of him a lot lately. I think that he would have wanted me to have this money before Christmas. He was all about the holidays. We would sometime go months without speaking but we would always resolve things around the holidays. I don't know how to have Christmas without him. I feel this was his final gift to me and it is a very bittersweet moment for me. The chapter is closed but he's gone. I feel peace but yet so much intense sadness in my heart.
It's been a really, really rough week for me. I screwed up big time!! I broke 3 major rules and misbehaved terribly. I have a punishment coming to me that involves the cane. I have not had a caning in a very long time but I know it's deserved. I wish I could be a better slave. I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. I think I am trying to deal with all the major changes that are happening in my life.
I'd like to thank all the people who have been there for me the last few months with losing my Dad. It was a very difficult chapter in my life and there were some people who supported me and were there for me. They know who they are. Thank you!! I know I have not been easy to be around and I appreciate all the love and support from those that I love and care about. I hope that I can find some peace from this chapter being closed. It's been a long and difficult journey and I hope I can find some happiness within the sadness that I am feeling tonight.
May the force be with you all!!
~padme amidala
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7 comments:
That's a beautiful, bittersweet post; that's the perfect word for what you must feel. I love when you said about hoping to find "the happiness within the sadness." How true. All I know is I love you and I'm here for you, as always, rough seas or smooth sailing.
~Anakin
My Dear Best Friend,
I am still so sorry for the loss of your dad. I understand the complicated relationship that you had with him, perhaps better than most considering the relationship I have with my own father. I am sorry that this money has extracted such a steep toll from both you, and your family. I just want to gather you up into a huge hug right now, maybe open another bottle of wine, and let all those tears flow.
I feel that everything happens for a reason, and I know that your dad would be pleased that you are getting this special early Christmas gift from him. I think that's a really beautiful way to think about it.
As much as this chapter is closed, in a way it has re-opened those wounds left in the wake of his death.
I feel your pain on the punishment thing. I failed to complete the three simple tasks I was given today and I know that tomorrow night I have a considerable lashing coming my way. Who knows, we might both have a few cane stripes by the end of the weekend.
I look forward to talking to you next week, as I've missed you so much, and I'm so SO grateful to have you in my life, especially right now. I hope I can be as good a friend to you, as you have been to me.
Take care sweetie. Know that I'm thinking of you a lot and sending all my love.
XO
Shasta
Beautiful Post. about your Dad. I am sorry for the pain you feel. It seems you have had so much pain with your dad, both in his living and in his dying. Keep allowing yourself to grieve. The journey continues.
i hope this has helped with closure for you! :)
All your friends are here for you.
Anything we can do for you, we will.
Friends are the family we choose.
Such a beautiful post and I hope this has helped.
Love.
Ronnie
xx
Thank you for the comments on this post. It was difficult for me to write it. It's been a long and difficult road since my Dad passed away. It is good to have that chapter in my life closed with the estate. I will always miss him and I often think of him and I like to think he's out there somewhere watching over me.
I really appreciate your comments!
Hugs,
padme
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