My Bodyguard

Today has been a bit of a difficult day but had it's moments of happiness and submission. A and I had some miscommunication and he came over to see me today. It hasn't been easy. Poly never is but it feels like it's been a bit of a rough start for A and I. He came over and I got punished extremely hard. I'm having a very difficult time sitting down tonight. *ouchies* My bum REALLY hurts!!! I needed it so much and asked him to punish me. I got exactly what I deserved and my ass has some nasty bruises on top of the ones from MVK on Saturday night. I got some really, really hard paddling from A. I was glad to get punished and pay the price for being a bad girl. A and I have done a lot of communicating today and things are much better now. I was chatting with A and went to eat dinner with Master. A movie was on which we hadn't seen in a long time called The Bodyguard. This movie always brings out some intense emotions in me. It takes me back to a different time of my life. I went to see the movie back in December 1992 with Master. We had dated in 1991 but broke up and I had to make a choice between two men that I loved dearly. I'm not sure if either of them will ever know how difficult that choice was. I remember struggling with my feelings that I was in love with them both. I didn't want to chose. I sure wish I knew about poly back then although I'm not sure my ex would have ever agreed to it. He was working and I had really wanted to see The Bodyguard so Master said he'd go with me for opening night. It was snowing heavily. I almost slipped as we approached the theatre but he caught me. The movie moved me deeply and I cried through a few scenes. I thought it was so deeply romantic. I had buried my feelings so deep at that point for Master. I didn't want him to see them. We left the movie theatre and I wanted to hold his hand so badly. We went back to my apartment and we shared a drink. I wanted him so badly. I wanted him to make love to me. I held myself back though. I was already taken by another. I had made my choice. I had to live with it. It was not fair to him and I struggled sooooooo much in that moment that he said he had to go. All I wanted was him to stay...."Please....please stay. Make love to me. I am in love with you" I had wanted to tell him...but I couldn't. He left and I broke down crying. I was in love with him and I knew it. But I knew that it could not be at that point of my life. I again buried those feelings for him. A year later and my ex proposed and I agreed to be his wife although I loved another man. I was married in 1994 and Master Anakin attended that wedding and shared the happy day with us. Then that song from The Bodyguard came on. I was thinking that entire time of Master and that night of the movie. And it felt wrong. I was supposed to be thinking of my husband, not another man. But I could not deny those feelings. I tried so hard though. I kept my feelings and thoughts to myself until November 23, 1996...a few years later after I got married. I finally couldn't do it anymore. I asked him to come over and decided to take a chance. I was in love with him and he needed to know it. I had no idea if he loved me the way that I did. He never gave me any indication of that since our break up years earlier. He had covered his feelings as deep as I had. I will NEVER forget the look on his face as I said those words that I waited years to say. "I am in love with you. I always have been. Even if we can't be together...I will always love you" I told him. He then told me he loved me too and we kissed. 7 years and we had both buried those feelings so deep and then they all came flying out. He was going to leave at one point and he grabbed my ass and that was it. The clothes came off and he made love to me for the first time. That passion, lust and love that had built up inside of us both exploded. I remember how it felt to have his cock in me for that first time. I didn't care if it was only for one night. I was prepared for the possibility that we could never be together but I NEEDED him sooooo much that night. We have been together ever since. I took a chance and told him my feelings and it changed our lives. I sometimes wonder why it took me so long. I am so glad that I did though and that we are together. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my force and I am completely in love with him.... This song from The Bodyguard reminds me so much of that night of the movie and my feelings that I had...the lyrics take me back to that time: I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston Share my life, take me for what I am Cause I'll never change all my colours for you Take my love, I'll never ask for too much Just all that you are and everything that you do I don't really need to look very much further I don't want to have to go where you don't follow I won't hold it back again, this passion inside Can't run from myself There's nowhere to hide (Your love I'll remember forever) Don't make me close one more door I don't wanna hurt anymore Stay in my arms if you dare Or must I imagine you there Don't walk away from me... I have nothing, nothing, nothing If I don't have you, you, you, you. You see through, right to the heart of me You break down my walls with the strength of you love I never knew love like I've known it with you Will a memory survive, one I can hold on to I love you Master Anakin...you will always be my bodyguard.... ....... May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala