 It is around 4:30 am and I am wide awake on a very early Saturday morning. I went to bed early and then got up with insomnia. I couldn't sleep and figured maybe I'd write a blog post and process some feelings so I can hopefully get back to bed and snuggle up to Master Anakin's warm body. We get an overnight and I want to make sure I'm well rested for it because I'm sure it will be a late night!
I had a dark day yesterday. I sent some text messages to A but they didn't go so well. I don't know what to say. I try to extend an olive branch to A and then he makes me feel like I am constantly rejected. I feel that the connection between us has changed. I don't even feel his Dominance anymore. That was something that really attracted me to A. All that M/s (Master/slave) or D/s (Dominant/submissive) energy has changed. I feel lost at times and confused as to how someone can be so Dominant for months but then change overnight. I offered for him to spank me sometime and he says that "it might happen someday".
Yet he sent me messages telling me how much he missed playing with me and had wished we had done more knife play together and such. Too many mixed messages. It's confusing and bruises the heart more. I love A very much but how can we be friends through all of this? How would it even be if we saw each other again? The last time had me in tears and having a breakdown. I feel like A didn't even try to work out our issues. We had something special and I feel like he's thrown it all away. It's all left a bitter taste in my mouth.
He also wanted to get together for a "proper goodbye". I feel like he's already said goodbye to me though. What more is there to say? He wants to be "just friends" but sends me dark messages through text's. I find it all very confusing. I'm not sure if I will see A again or how a friendship is going to work with him. My heart still hurts and it's hard to get past the rejection that I have been feeling the last week.
It would be coming up to our 4 month anniversary. There was many people who didn't think it would make it past the first one. I really tried my best to make it work with A. I really hope it can work out with just being friends. I just feel like everything we had is all slipping away into the darkness...
May the force be with you all!!
~padme amidala
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4 comments:
My padme,
There will be no further "goodbye's" as it's both unnecessary and emotionally confusing. Goodbye's have been said. Part of the healing process is the letting go of what was. That will lead to feelings of darkness sometimes, but the mixed messages are not helping. You need and will have more time to heal and process your emotions with a clean break. Sometimes love hurts, but keeping the wounds fresh is no way to heal. I'll take good care of you now, as I always do, as your Daddy and Master. Be glad for the experiences, and when it hurts, know when to call it a day and grow and move forward. I'm here for you, My immortal beloved.
~Anakin
A clearly didn't have the commitment you did. IMHO, he's not worth any tears. Remember that you have your beloved Anakin, who clearly is there for you forever.
A sounds like he is very immature. I wouldn't shed any tears over him. Move on from this stronger and wiser.
Thank you for the comments. I really appreciate them.
Hugs,
padme
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