What hurts the most

I wanted to say thank you for all the support during my recent break-up with A. I have gotten e-mails, DM's, phone calls, twitter messages and lots of messages from my friends and readers. Thank you for the great comments on my last post. I really appreciate the support during this difficult time. I am glad to know that I am not alone through this and can lean on others to get me through. Thank you!! It has been a very difficult 24 hours for me with what I have gone through with A. I barely slept last night. I think I got about 2 hours sleep and that was after a melatonin and sleeping pill. I tossed and turned and couldn't stop thinking about what had happened with A. I kept going over what had happened and tried my best to understand it. It's been a really difficult journey for A and I but I knew we both loved each other. I didn't understand how it could all fall apart. A and I had been fighting lately but we had some really great times. We talked about our future last week and about having a baby together (during my pregnancy scare) and even about a poly household. We got together on Friday and spent hours on my couch making out and things were great between us. What changed? I struggled through the whole night with that question and needed an answer. I woke up and did my chores early and texted A to let him know that I needed to talk to him. I needed answers. I wanted to understand what had happened. I had also decided to give it another try to work things out. I needed to know that I had tried everything to make it work. I love A. I hated the fighting but I really loved our great times together. We have good chemistry and a connection between us. The play was great too. I really loved being his slave. I was really hoping to salvage something and hoped he would want to also. I will admit to being greatly disappointed by his reaction to my wanting to give it another try. I really thought he would come over today and we could work it out. We still had the love and there are great aspects to our relationship. I didn't feel ready to walk away from it and hoped he wouldn't. It was awkward between us at first. We hugged and sat down to talk. I gave him back his collar which is something I have kept in my toy bag. I didn't think it was right to keep it if he wanted it back since had made it himself and it belonged to him. I laid my heart out to A and tried very hard to work things out. I could understand the M/s (Master/slave) part ending but hoped he would still want a relationship with me. He didn't though and didn't seem to want to even try. That part was the hardest for me to accept. He talked about being miserable the last few weeks which confused me because we had some really good times too through the fights. I wanted to know that we had honestly tried everything before walking away. A made it very clear that he didn't want to work on it though and our relationship was over. He still wanted to be friends though. I will admit to having some doubts over this. I do not have very good friendships with any of my ex's with the exception of my ex husband who I share a child with so we are forced to be in contact with and also share a history together. The thoughts of not having A in my life really upset me though. He has become a big part of my daily life. I enjoy our text's, chats, e-mails, and communication and friendship. I can't imagine my life without him. I'd like to believe that we can still be friends through this. Right now though it's hurting a lot. What hurts the most is all the dreams for the future seem like they have disappeared. I feel very lost with not having a second Master anymore. A and I have protocol and rules (which I had intended to post about sometime) and they are all a big part of my daily life. I woke up this morning and didn't know what to do about my morning e-mail to him which was a rule for me. I feel very lost and a bit confused that all of a sudden A is not my Master anymore and that has now just dropped from my life. I complained a bit that I wasn't feeling enough control but I can honestly say that I know now what I am missing that it's gone. I want him to be my other Master but he didn't want to have that either. It is really hurting a lot to accept that he no longer controls parts of my life and those rules are now gone. I had thought that A would honor our M/s contract and at least try to get through til June when it was up for renewal. That hurts me to lose my other Master. I know Master Anakin would never walk away from being my Master. I didn't think that A would. The chemistry is still there between A and I. I could still feel it. I wanted to just ask him to spank me and take me upstairs to the bedroom. I wanted a beautiful goodbye with him even if it was just one last time. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and have that intimacy that we had shared the last 4 months. He seemed cold at times though and that made it hard for me to reach out to him until lunch at Subway. I was afraid he would reject me more than I was already feeling. We went out for lunch because I had not eaten in 24 hours and my stomach was grumbling and unhappy. I worried that maybe A wanted to leave and go home because there was tension between us and he didn't look very happy. We ate lunch though and I reached out to hold his hand and asked him for reassurance. I wanted to know if we could at least salvage our friendship or at least the good parts of our relationship. I was even hoping we might play together sometime because we talked about doing rope bondage and lots of different play together. I wanted to believe we could still have something left out of all the doors which are closing. A comforted me and tried his best to reassure me. I admit that I almost broke down in the Subway but held out til we got to the car. We talked in the car and held each other. I wanted to kiss him soooooo bad. Even if it was our last kiss goodbye...I really wanted to feel his lips on mine one last time. I can accept it if we are just friends but I wanted a final goodbye. But A didn't seem to want that. It will admit that this broke my heart. I couldn't even look at him as we drove back to my place and the tears started to fall. He dropped me off and I went inside and totally broke down crying. My heart was hurting so bad that I could barely handle it. A messaged me when he got home and offered to talk to me if I needed it. He got onto MSN and we have been chatting. I do believe he meant what he said about us still keeping the friendship and being there. I am glad to know he has not disappeared unlike others who said they would be friends after breaking up with me but took off afterwords. I will always love A and I'd like to think that the door is open for a new chapter for us both even if that is just as friends or if we might play together one day. I feel like I was not good enough for A or a good enough slave for him. I feel like a failure for not being able to make my poly relationship work with A. It just seems like the poly never really works out for me. My force does not feel very strong today. I don't regret the journey though and am glad that A and I can still be friends even if we can't be together.... May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala