 I had a very good weekend although I knew what was coming up this weekend ahead and it hit me like a ton of bricks today. I have been dreading it for weeks. The anniversary of my Dad's death is this weekend and there is a very special memorial planned for it. I would have rather had a very quiet weekend without any fuss but my sister has decided to make it a national event instead.
There are people flying in from out of town and family members coming so we can get together and remember my Dad. I think that everyone grieves differently though. I would have preferred to deal with the anniversary in my own way. But that isn't the way it's going to be and I'm going to need to suck it up and deal with it.
It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year. I've been told by several people who lost parents that the one year anniversary is the worst. I am starting to understand why. I've been having flashbacks and nightmares about my Dad. Everything seems to remind me of him right now. It's causing me to have insomnia and I could barely eat today. I can't even function very well. I tried to make dinner and had a full blown panic attack. I needed to take some ativan which I have not taken in a long time. I hate having to take any kind of prescription medication but Master was deeply concerned about me and told me to have one to help calm me down.
I am not sure how much I will be blogging over the next week. I hate to say the word "hiatus" because I may want to process my feelings and sometimes blogging can help me. I don't want to put too much unnecessary pressure on myself right now when I am feeling very fragile and trying to deal with the dark days ahead. It's hard to say how much blogging I will be doing over the next week while dealing with this.
I have several boxes of my Dad's belongings in my basement and will be going through that this weekend with my siblings. I have tried several times to sort through it but couldn't do it. I know that I need to do it in order to move on but it's very, very difficult. I feel like I was dealing with my grief but it's all coming back to me with the anniversary approaching. I saw my friend, DL briefly today and she said I looked "worse than after my Dad passed away". She gave me a big hug and tried to comfort me. I really wish that this week would just pass quickly. I feel so dark today and lost. My force doesn't feel very strong....
May the force be with you all!!
~padme amidala
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4 comments:
My padme,
Like a year ago, I wish I could wrap My arms around you and make it all go away. I'll be there for you, and YOU will get through this, even if it's dark right now. I'll hold your hand until we find the way forward together. Everyone DOES cope differently; so before or after this memorial, you need to do what YOU need to do to mark your Dad's passing a year ago. Whatever you need, however I can help, I will. I love you, now, forever, and always.
~Anakin
My thoughts are with you. I lost my mom 8 months ago yesterday, and this month (I think because of Mother's Day) I have been thinking of the year anniversary and how I will spend it. Everyone will have a plan for how your event will go, but I say you need to do what feels right to you. Take time and be alone with your memories and thoughts of your dad. People might have hurt feelings that you don't do exactly what they do, but you have to be true to yourself. Honor your dad in the way that feels the best to you.
Best of luck getting through this time.
Megan
This is anon again who wrote previously on losing my Dad 3 years ago .... sending big hugs your way!!!
Take care of yourself!
~m~
Thank you anon for your comments. I really appreciate it. *big hugs*
padme
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