Disobedient slave

It's almost 4 am and I have been up for several hours. I've been having some brutal insomnia lately. It was so bad that I had to take a sleeping pill last night to help me sleep. I'm hoping that writing out some feelings might help me process things and help me finally be able to get some sleep. It's been a bit of a rough week for me and I'm glad the weekend is almost here. I have made some bad decisions lately and broken some of my rules. I have disappointed my Master but also myself. I am a fool sometimes when it comes to love. I have had a really hard with my break-up with A. We broke up a few weeks ago but seem to have a hard time staying away from one another. We recently slept together even though I did not have permission for that. Then this week I made another big mistake. I invited A over to my house and played with him on Tuesday. I didn't have permission for either of those things. I need permission to play with (or anything else that happens) with anyone who I am not in a poly relationship with. A used to have equal rights to me when he was my second Master. He could play with me whenever he wanted or do whatever he wanted to me within my limits. That changed as soon as he broke up with me. I needed permission in order to play with him again but did not get it from Master Anakin. I said I was going out for coffee but didn't tell him of my intention of seeing A that day. I broke several rules and am not proud about this. I don't know why I am so disobedient sometimes. I really wanted to see A again and knew that Master would not be too happy about it. Master had expressed concern over seeing A again. He feels like I'm being used and doesn't think that the friendship is working out very well with him. I know it's been hard for him to be on the sidelines watching everything unfold between A and I. There have been several fights with A which have affected my time with Master. I've been so upset that I couldn't concentrate on him properly or focus on him. I will have A on my mind and not be able to think of anything else. There was one fight which was so bad that I couldn't stop crying and we had to cancel plans to play together because of it. A seems to want to fuck me and play with me but not give me any kind of commitment and or even be my Dom again. He doesn't seem to want to give me anything in return for everything that I have given him. Our relationship and now the friendship seems one sided. He comes to my house and I make him lunch and gave him massages and we play and fuck and often he will have an orgasm but not me. I have not had an orgasm with A in a very long time despite being together the last few times. He comes to my house but I have yet to ever see his house or anywhere around where he lives. He has had full access to my life but I don't get that with him. There was a big fight with A once when he came over for a blow job but refused to give me an orgasm in return. It had started to feel like A was a bit of a greedy lover towards the end of our relationship and that I was giving to him constantly but not receiving much in return. I have not felt like I have gotten my needs met from A in a long time but yet seem to want to still please him and make him happy. I think it's been hard to go from being his slave to not having that anymore. It's still conditioned in me and I'm having a hard time reminding myself sometimes that I don't have to obey A anymore and can say no to him. I've got a really bad history of not being able to say no to a few of my ex's. I've made the mistake more than a few times of falling back into the arms of an old lover. Why am I such a sucker sometimes? Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Maybe one day I'll learn and not put myself into these situations anymore. I just can't seem to help myself when it comes to A. I didn't intend to fall in love with him like I have. I fell hard and fast and I have wanted to work on the issues with him so we could somehow work it out and get back together. I don't think that A has any intention of that though. He's made it clear that he wants it all to be a casual type of thing where we get together and fuck sometimes or play but that we're "just friends". A has found someone new and is dating again. It took him less than two weeks after our break up to start seeing her. He found a new girl who is much closer to his age. I knew that this would eventually happen but it's been a bit of a slap in the face also. He told me during our break up that he was not ready to have any commitments or date anyone. Now he's got NRE (new relationship energy) and gushing to me about his new fling. He's even talked about them going to Sin city together. I feel like I was quickly replaced. I know that we are poly but it still hurts to have to hear about it all the time. I understand now why I am not friends with many of my ex lovers. It's tearing me apart to try to just be friends with A even though we've been intimate together and also playing together. The mixed signals from A is also driving me crazy. He says he still loves me and misses me and wants to be with me but only sexually, not in a relationship though. This is not making me feel very good about myself. I keep getting drawn back to A because of my strong feelings for him. A came over and we went for coffee to the Wired Monk on Tuesday and then went and sat on a bench for a while. It felt like old times again. I wanted to be close to him again so much. I miss him. I miss being lovers with him and wearing his marks on my ass. I asked him to come over to my place and then brought out the toys. I couldn't help myself. I had missed it so much. I wanted A to spank me again so much. The play was not as heavy as some of our other ones in the past but it felt soooo good to connect with him again like that. I flew into a deep subspace and enjoyed the intimacy with A. I really love being around him and always enjoyed the intimacy and cuddling with him. The chemistry between us has not changed. The play was exciting and he used many of the old favorites on my ass including his belt. I never imagined we would ever play together again so it felt so good to be able to do that with him. I had missed being spanked by him. I will admit that it felt different though and he didn't seem as Dominant to me because he is not my Dom or Master anymore. I didn't even know what to call him while we played together. Somehow even saying "Sir" felt strange because we are not in a relationship together anymore and I don't feel like I had the right to say that. I miss feeling his Dominant energy. It all seemed to disappear when we broke up. It's strange to have someone as your Master one day and then it's gone and you are suddenly equals the next. We both wanted each other but held back after playing together. I was soaking wet and he had a hard on through his pants. I guess I thought I could play with him and maybe that might change things with us but it didn't. Nothing seems to change with A. We fight a lot but can't seem to stay apart from each other. I have been told that I should just walk away from A. Maybe I should. But it hurts me to think of my life without him. I'm extremely torn right now. It hurts. Maybe I'm just an emotional masochist who can't get enough. or maybe I'm just a stupid girl. Sometimes the poly is so damn complicated. Maybe all of this just isn't worth it anymore. I let people into my heart and life but get hurt and have a hard time coming back from it. It seems like it is getting harder to get over breakups. It makes me want to go into isolation and not let anyone new into my life again in regards to the poly. The great times are wonderful (like the NRE and dating aspect) but the hard times (breaking up and after) all seems so complicated and upsetting and not worth it. I didn't tell Master about seeing A but it was hard to cover it up when I had marks on my ass. There was outlines of A's belt all over my ass. I know that I should have gotten permission. I feel very shitty about it all and know this caused a big problem in my marriage and relationship with Master Anakin. We don't normally fight but last night we had a really big one. Master Anakin took the day off yesterday so we could spend it together and try to work things out. I'm trying to work on my marriage and know that I've contributed to a lot of stress which has happened in it recently. I feel really bad right now for being such a disobedient slave. Our force has not been strong but I know that we'll get through this and be ok. We've gotten through a lot worse in the past. We'll journey to the darkside together and get our force strong again... May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala