Journey through the darkness

May hasn't been a very good month for several reasons. It just seems like the stress won't end. It's emotionally and physically worn me out. I used to like the Victoria long weekend. We had a yearly tradition of going to the Cloverdale Rodeo. We never missed a year and always enjoyed the long weekend. Now it's replaced with sadness and thinking about my Dad and his death. This was the first year that we missed the Cloverdale Rodeo. We had the memorial and I was not feeling up to it. I spent most of the weekend in bed sleeping and being alone. Saturday was the memorial and the drama was so intense and way too much to emotionally deal with. Sunday was the anniversary of his death. Master told me I could spend the day doing what I wanted. I didn't have to worry about any rules. I was going throw myself into a project but decided to spend it in bed alone. I napped and watched tv and didn't get out of my pj's. I put myself into a sleep coma and didn't want to come out of it. Ativan is a wonderful little pill. It can erase the anxiety and make it bearable for a while. I enjoyed being able to numb my emotions for a weekend. I was in a very dark place and wanted to shut out of the world. I'm trying to cope today without the help of a prescription pill. I know how addictive they can be. I took ativan after my car accident and had a hard time getting off of them. It's very tempting to go into isolation right now. There is stress coming from several places right now. I thought that I would feel better after the memorial was over but that is not the case. I can't blame pms as it's too early for that. I can't blame SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) as it's been pretty good weather lately. I think it's because some major life changes are ahead for me. We are trying to decide about moving and other life changes. Master's parent's are elderly and having some really serious health issues. There are some really challenging times ahead for us. It's left me feeling stressed and not wanting to deal with it. Master Anakin and I have had a lot of privacy issues lately. Our daughter is a teen now and there are teenagers that come and go from our place and constant sleepovers. We get limited time for dating and sex/play. I don't remember the last time we had some really good play time on the darkside. The control was let go for several days. I thrive from control and this has left me feeling lost. He told me that I needed Daddy to take care of me this long weekend. I did need Daddy but I miss Master. I miss the rules and structure. I miss feeling controlled. My life feels out of control right now and I need it but am not getting it. I've made some really reckless decisions lately and made some bad decisions. It's been hard to find my way through the darkness. I really hope that things will get better and my force will become strong again. May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala