Needing a day on the darkside

I had started a blog post and tried to finish it a few times. There was many interruptions through the day yesterday. I did get a lot of housework done though with Darth Vader cracking the whip. I'm feeling rather off this morning and it's because of some of the stress that happening in my life at the moment and also pms too. A rainy Monday didn't help my mood either. Yuck! I had mentioned in my last blog post that there was some "ups and downs on the weekend". The best parts of the weekend was seeing the new Nightmare on Elm Street and spending so much time with Anakin. I felt so close and connected to him. There was lots of play and sex and many orgasms. Master has been very controlling lately and our M/s has gotten stronger since I broke up with A a few weeks ago. I find it a lot easier to just focus all my energy and time into my primary relationship with Master Anakin. He's noticed changes in me with my desire to please him and being focused on being just his slave now. I can concentrate all my energy into it when he is at home. I did weigh-in yesterday and was very proud of the results and so was Master. I did not gain any weight. I'm the same weight but I also have pms right now which causes fluid retention. I have not weighed myself in a few weeks and was a bit worried to get on the scale. A had been controlling my walks while we were in a relationship together. He kicked my ass to get out the door and go for those daily walks. There was a few days that I would have never walked if it wasn't for his motivation and orders to do it for him. He was my Master and I had to obey him. I was starting to lose weight and do well with daily walks. It was strange to suddenly not have that anymore after we broke up. I've had to learn to get my own ass out of the door. This week is going to be good because I am forced to walk in the afternoons to get my son from school. The walks are good for me. I should be doing them daily. Maybe Darth Vader can give me more of a kick in the ass with my walking too? I miss our weekend walks together. I've worked hard at my health lately and it is paying off. I could have easily fallen into a depression after breaking up with A but I have not allowed myself to go to that dark place. Master has helped me a lot with that too and I'm so grateful for my strong Jedi. I am so lucky to be his slave. There was some "down parts" of the weekend too. I spent a lot of time feeling very upset over some chats with A which had gotten me very upset. It felt like things were going ok between us but then it all went to hell on Friday afternoon. We seem to have terrible communication through MSN. This is a real problem for us and I believe what could have caused some of the downfall of our relationship. We even had our break-up over msn!! It's not a great system to discuss important things. Lots of miscommunication seems to happen on it and lots of fights with A have happened while on it. Saturday was a really bad fight. I was very hurt when I tried to discuss my feelings with him on Saturday morning. I wanted to talk about what happened between us on Thursday when we slept together. I felt very shitty after two hours of communication that just caused us both to feel frustrated and upset. I am struggling with some of my feelings from our one night stand. I have no regrets about what happened. It felt right at the time and natural at that time. I guess I struggle with my feelings afterwords and what the future might hold. I don't think it's a good idea to continue to sleep together as friends. That does feel like "fuck buddies" when it happens on a full time basis. I've tried to do "casual sex" before and failed miserably. I have a lot of feelings when it comes to sex. I can play with someone on a casual level with no problems. But sex is much different for me. I've only had 9 lovers in my whole life!! Dated tons and tons of people (women and men) but very few of those people ever were my lovers. I wish that I didn't have so many feelings sometimes regarding sex. I've gone to swinger parties or clubs to try to look for a one night stand. Those never make me feel very good though. I need more than that. I need to feel loved and at least get my needs met. I feel like I have been doing a lot of giving lately but not getting anything in return. Sometimes I think I'm too submissive for my own good. I should be submissive to Master Anakin but why do I have to be that way to other people too? I can't tell you how many times that I've been taken advantage of because I was too submissive to say no. I got an offer from another ex (Master R) who wanted to play together on the weekend. I declined on his offer because of my worries and feelings regarding casual sex. I have told him that I can get together with him and I'll play with him but no sex. Sex tends to complicate everything. R and I were in a relationship for years which did not involve sex. It seems to keep it very simple. I think that's why it worked for us for as many years as it did. It sounds like we might play together sometime this week but that we'll be keeping it simple. Play but no sex. Maybe that's the way it should be with all my partners in my poly relationships from now on. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself lately and what I need and want from future poly relationships. It's hard to believe it's May already. It makes me very sad as the anniversary of my Dad's death is coming up. I've been told by others who have lost parent's that the one year anniversary is one of the worst days. I can understand why. It's really, really hard sometimes. I want to pick up the phone and call my Dad and I can't. Sometimes it really hits me that he's gone and not coming back. There is a very big memorial planned for the anniversary of his death. That way all his friends and family can be together to help support each other during that difficult time. There are some really big life changes happening. It can all feel a bit overwhelming sometimes. I'm trying to stay focused but sometimes it's hard to see the light when the darkness takes over. I've had a lot of very dark thoughts lately. I'm struggling with some of my most masochistic fantasies lately. Master gave me a taste of the darkside on the weekend but I hunger for more. I need some time with Darth Vader. Suffering for him and obeying his commands. I'm needing a day on the darkside.... May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala