The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! - Quote from the movie Rocky Balboa TGIF!! This weekend couldn't start soon enough for me. It has felt like a very long week. I love many Star Wars quotes and others from different movies that I have seen. I love that quote from Rocky Balboa. I've watched that scene in that movie about a hundred times. I keep trying to remind myself of what he said. Those are very wise words from Sylvester Stallone. How true they are, especially during the difficult times. Life has given me a few punches recently. Life is hitting me rather hard at the moment. I have never felt so helpless and sad over what is going on. I spent last night up til 3 am crying my eyes out. I don't think that I've cried that hard since my Dad passed away. It was like the floodgates opened and all my inner emotions came pouring out of me. I feel hungover this morning although I never had a drop of alcohol last night. I probably should have had a drink. It could have at least calmed me down. I barely slept and my eyes are still swollen from how much I cried. ... Master Anakin had his birthday yesterday and it should have been a happy day. Instead we were given some very sad news about his mom. His mom has terminal cancer and it's spread from the lungs to her brain. Time is very precious right now. It's been hard to watch Master Anakin being very upset with his mom having cancer and what he's gone through. He's had to watch his mom getting sicker and know that there are no happy endings with this situation. His mom is dying. There is nothing we can do but sit by and watch this happen. I've known my MIL for 20 years. We've had a few rocky times during those years but I've always thought of her as a friend as well as my MIL. It's heartbreaking to think of losing her and the holidays and events that she won't be here for. She won't see my daughter graduate from school or get married. My son (who's extremely close to her) will lose out on all those years that grandma should have been there for the special events in his life. Cancer sucks!!! I have written about some of the drama which has been happening with our teen daughter. The bad boy she was dating moved away and I honestly thought the bad times were behind us and we were all moving forward. Then my ex husband dropped the bomb on me last night. She's been phoning him and complaining about me and talking about going to live with him. She's 15 and old enough now to make her own decisions. I guess we could try to force her to stay with us but then that wouldn't make me any different than my own controlling Dad. He used to force me to do what he wanted but it just made me rebel and made me move out of the house as soon as I was legally able to. My ex husband (Leia's Dad) wants her to go live with him. He believes that he could do a better job as a parent. Our marriage fell apart because he was a workaholic though. I never thought he would be interested in having primary custody of our daughter. There was always a big part of myself which worried though that one day he might change his mind. The grass is always greener on the other side. She thinks that going to live with him will solve all her teenage angst and issues. I just hope he steps up to the plate as a parent. My biggest fear has always been that she would chose to go live with her Dad and that's exactly what's happening. I've done everything in my power to get close to my daughter. We worked for days to give her a beautiful bedroom and her own room. We have tried our best to make her happy but she is clearly not. I've tried so hard to be a good mom. It absolutely kills me to think of our family dynamic changing. I've been told by my MIL and mother that the process of letting go of your child is one of the hardest. Both of them told me they cried when the oldest child moved out of the family home for the first time. I know that eventually Leia was going to move out. She can't stay at home forever. But I guess I thought we'd have more time before that happened. I wish we could change her mind but I feel that is out of our hands now. I'm going to have to accept her wishes and start letting her make her own decisions about her life. I think our house will be very empty without her here during the week. I will become a weekend parent and will still be a part of her life but it will be different. I really wanted a big house with lots of kids but I don't think that dream is going to happen. It's heartbreaking. All I want is to have a family but eventually the nest is going to be all empty and one day there won't be any kids in our home. Skywalker is turning 10 and growing up on us. There are no more babies. I really wish I could get pregnant...but I don't think that is ever going to happen. The stress of this situation caused a big fight between Master and I. I feel really bad that this all happened on his birthday. We both were hurting and lashed out at each other. We both said some things that wasn't too nice but at least we were honest. I needed to be honest about my feelings even though I think this might have hurt Master. I love him. I hate fighting with him. We both hardly got any sleep and woke up and apologized. I'm pretty sure there is some good make-up sex in our future. Sometimes fighting is worth it if there is some great making up afterwords. Our force is strong. We'll get through this. I believe in us and our love. May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala