Where I am today

I was reading an old blog post this morning that was written last January. It kind of surprised me. I had forgotten all about the new year's resolutions and goals that I had made for myself. It's interesting to read that post and then look at where I am today. We are nearing the end of 2010. It's been an interesting journey for me this year. Full of many ups and downs. I lost a few people this year while on my journey. I lost A. He was my young lover and boyfriend that I dated for the first part of the year. He became really important to me. He became my other Master for a while. I fell hard and fast for him and let him into my life and heart. I sort of knew in my heart that it wouldn't last but I always thought we'd at least be friends. We have not talked and he has not contacted me since his last text in July. This (our breakup and everything that happened afterwords) left a sour taste in my mouth and changed my poly dynamic with Anakin and turned it in a new direction. I also think this affected my interest in the bdsm community in Vancouver. I stopped going to the local munch we had because of A. I didn't want to run into him or his new flame. I had met A through that munch and always went with him to it. I really didn't want to see him there with someone else. I gave up hosting the munch because of that. I also gave up going to events too. I will admit that I still feel the same way about not wanting to see A. It gets harder to go to events as you date people in the community. I ran into 3 ex's at one event this last year which made for an awkward and uncomfortable night. I wound up leaving that party early to go somewhere else. I really miss some of my friends through the bdsm community though and maybe one day I'll be back again. I just needed a break. I still catch up with people from the community through Fetlife and twitter and e-mails too. I miss Rascal's and being able to play in public. Hopefully one day I'll get back into it. I learned a lot of life lessons this year. I lost several friendships this year including a few people who were very important to me. I don't want to name people but I think it's pretty obvious who is in my life now compared to in January. I apologize to anyone that I might have hurt. I know that I am not easy to be friends with. I went through a very serious depression for a few months and wasn't myself. I made some really bad choices and now live with some regrets. I really do miss a few people who have disappeared from my life this last year. It is a very hard process to close the door and not look back again. I am so grateful for those people who stuck by me through the hard times this year. Thank you! You know who you are and I am so grateful. It was a tough time for me this last year with losing my MIL. It took a huge emotional toll on my marriage and me too. I feel like a very different person than I was back in January. Life has thrown some very difficult challenges this year and I've had to grow up a lot. I really miss my MIL. Our whole family dynamic has changed since she passed away. It was extremely difficult to watch her struggle with cancer. Cancer is a horrible disease and it's not easy to be there during the death process. I will never forget my experience of visiting her in the hospice during those last few days of her life. It gives you a whole different perspective on life when you visit a hospice and see people dying, especially someone who you have known for 20 years and loved. I have had some spiritual experiences since her passing which have deeply affected me and my beliefs. My marriage is much stronger through the rough times we had earlier in the year. I feel closer to my Master and a lot happier with our family. I've devoted a lot the last year to becoming a better housewife/slave and mother to our two children. It was extremely challenging this last year with having a teenager. Leia changed a lot and there were some huge battles and struggles which affected our family a lot. Things seem ok for now with Leia but who knows. It's hard to tell what happens next in Teen World. I really do feel blessed for what I have in my life. I know who my true friends and family are and that's all that matters in the end. I feel stronger and a lot better than I did earlier in the year. I know what is important now. 2010 has been quite a year. I wanted to compare my goals and resolutions to where I am today: ~ to lose weight. I wanted to maintain my weight last year in 2009 and I was able to do that. I only gained one pound during the entire year. My walking was a big reason that I was able to do that. This year I want to try to lose some weight. I DID lose weight!! I've only lost 7 pounds so far this year but at least it's a loss! A loss is a loss! I've had to work very hard to lose that weight. I've done very well with my walking this year and that's a big reason that I think that I lost it. It's gotten a lot harder to lose weight as I've gotten older. I tend to immediately start putting weight on the moment I stop walking. So I try really hard to at least get one daily walk in every single day even if it's around the block. ~to eat healthier. More salmon and fruits and veggies and try to stay away from sugar more. Hopefully use the bread maker that I got for Christmas and make some bread for the first time. I did use my bread maker for the first time and many times since. I really enjoy baking bread with it. I do think that I've been eating healthier too. I've tried very hard to make more homemade cooking and with fresh and organic fruits and veggies. ~to focus less on the poly aspect of my relationship. I spent way too much time investing into trying to find new relationships in 2009. I think it would be nice to have some casual play partners but I'm not looking for more than that right now. This year I want to focus more on my marriage and family life. I'm also going to focus more on making myself healthier emotionally, spiritually, and physically Ummmm...well this goal/resolution didn't exactly go as planned. lol. I started dating A a few weeks after writing this. He was a lot more than just a casual play partner. I loved him very much and he hurt me badly. I'm not sure my heart has recovered from that. I have not focused on the poly at all in the last six months. I think it's hard for me to let others into my heart after being so hurt. I'm not really sure where things are headed with the poly. I think my heart has been bruised so much that it's getting harder as I age to do the poly dance anymore. NRE (new relationship energy) is wonderful but breaking up is horrible. I am focusing a lot more now on my marriage with Anakin and it's really improved my marriage. I was spending WAY too much time on A when I was with him. It's a lot easier now to just have one Master that I have to please and serve. Maybe we might have casual play partners again in the future but I'm not sure that I can see myself ever getting involved into another love affair again. ~to travel more. I want to see new places and explore more adventures in the outdoors. I'd like to get back into hiking again and perhaps boxing. I did get to travel a lot this year. We went on a really nice family vacation to Alberta over the summer which was wonderful and a great memory. I got to see new places like Drumheller and have many adventures in Banff, Calgary and Edmonton. I really had a great time! One of the best memories of 2010 has been watching an Alberta sunset from the Calgary Tower with our kids. I did do some hiking including a few places nearby. I spent last Mother's day going on a very big hike in a new place. I didn't get back into boxing unfortunately. The boxing bag got taken down and hasn't been put back yet. I still would like to do that. ~to try to blog more. I miss writing and hope to write a few erotic stories. I did try to blog more and there are many posts from this last year. We are pretty regular with our blog posts. It's rare to go a few days without getting an update from us. I didn't get to write an erotic story unfortunately. I would still like to do that too. ~try to read more. I enjoyed reading my book through the holidays. I did do a lot of reading this last year and really enjoyed it. I recently got a few new books which I plan to read over the holidays like I did last year. I find it very enjoyable to curl up with a new book next to the fireplace drinking a hot cup of chocolate. ~to try and cross more things off my bucket list. I was able to cross many of in 2009 but I want to try to experience more firsts and see some new places and put myself out of my comfort zone more I think I did very well at crossing some things off my bucket list, especially in the summer when we went on our trip. I did get to experience a few firsts too like drinking a Tom Collins for my first time ever! I wish I could have crossed off a few more things but there IS still a few more weeks left of 2010 so maybe I still can! ~to try to be a better slave and obey my rules better than I did in 2009. I have not broken any yet in 2010 and I'm going to try to do better Well it didn't take me long to get into trouble and break a rule. I broke a few rules this last year and got punished for them. I think that I was a better slave, especially in the last few months. I supported Anakin a lot through the loss of his mother. I've tried very hard to devote myself to him and please him and to learn from my mistakes. I try to be a good girl but sometimes it's just too tempting to let the bad girl out. :D I look forward to the new year ahead in 2011. The journey will continue and our force will be strong. May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala