Struggling with dark days on my journey

"What have I become. My sweetest friend. Everyone I know, goes away. In the end." - Johnny Cash I have a lot of things going through my mind right now. I hope that blogging about it might help me with some of the darkness I'm feeling. I got some bad family news yesterday. My Uncle is in the hospital and it's very serious. He's in ICU and has a very serious heart condition which can kill him at any moment. He's only a few years older than I am! Very scary! I found out that the heart condition he has is hereditary. My grandpa died from it at 53 years old. I've had two Uncles die young from it. My one Uncle was only 21. I am wondering now if this is a reason that my Dad died now. He had a heart attack. He used to tell me that he thought he'd suffer the same fate as his Dad. I have a very high risk of having a heart problem based on the family history. I worry a lot that I'm going to be next. I'm going to have to go get checked by the Doctor. That news this morning made me feel very worried. I've been feeling really depressed the last few days and through some of the summer. It's been hard to be stuck at home with a house full of kids. I cook and clean and deal with a hormonal teenager or video games turned up full blast. It's felt like a very long summer. This is also a really hard time of year for me as well. The anniversary of my car accident is in a few days. It's been 10 years since I almost lost my life in a very serious car accident. I have thought about blogging about it but I find it very hard to talk about. I went through hell and survived. The last 10 years have been a bonus for me. I'm lucky to be alive. My son (who was a baby at the time of the accident) is also lucky to be alive. I still deal with physical and mental complications from the accident. I think I was a bit naive to think that it would all heal and get better. Some days the physical pain is almost unbearable and is crippling. I was diagnosed with PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder) after the accident as well as arthritis. The arthritis seems to be getting worse as I age. I suffer from panic attacks and sometimes the PTSD still affects me. I don't want to drive because I'm scared. It takes a lot for me just to be the passenger in a car. The accident still affects me even though it's been 10 years later. I've changed a lot the last year. Become a bit of a hermit. I haven't been to a bdsm community events in over a year. My friend, DL is one of few friends that I see anymore. There are some things that have happened which have affected me deeply. I've pretty much given up on the poly aspect of our relationship. I think that Anakin and I have become very jaded about the poly. Too many broken hearts. We've been focusing a lot more on our marriage which has gone through a lot of challenges. Our marriage is very strong though. Our force is strong. I feel very happy with Anakin and love him so much. I can't imagine my life without him. He's been in my life since I was a young girl. I know we are going to grow old together. Anakin and I have been through a lot the last 21 years of being best friends. We've lost loved ones and been to many funerals together. We've gotten married and created a family together. I feel so very blessed and lucky to have the life that I do. It hasn't been easy. It's not going to get any easier. We are getting older and eventually we are going to die. No one wants to talk about death though because it makes most people very uncomfortable. It's probably a bit strange for people to think about your own funeral but I've started doing that recently. I'm also at the point that I am ready to write my will. I'm not sure why it took me this long but I was really struggling with a few decisions like who to make guardian of our children. That wasn't an easy one. There are some big challenges which lay ahead on the journey. My FIL has cancer and struggles with it. My Grandma is in terrible health and doesn't have much time left. Anakin's family has had cancer and he is at high risk for it. My family has heart problems and I'm at high risk for it. There are some really big health risks for both of us. I really hope we can try to live as long as we can. Our kids are still young and need us and I can't imagine not being here anymore. Eventually though, the journey is over for all of us and we all go away. May the force be with you all!! ~padme amidala